i must document my feelings at this moment. i cannot remember the last time i ve been so emotionally distressed and utterly stunned. i used to believe that i was invincible. little did i know that no one could rise above the law of the cruel world. the wise used to say that only those that you care for can harm you the deepest. it is in the thounderous sound of snapping the once-uncompromiseable bond do i learn the truth in this wisdom. as tears go by and fears grow, darkness moves in to reign.

Who is it to blame? there is no doubt. could things have been different? i really doubt. you have seen traces of past evidence, but little did you care because you pompous jerk thought you are not one of the ordinary. perhaps you are not, but you are still mortal.

being mortal is perhaps our darkest spell. not in the context of life and death, not even in the sense of health and sickness. but the overflowing emtion of happiness, sadness, rage and fear is forever evasive, but an eternal pressence, transcending our existence, haunting even the once-thought immortal. the gate of rationality could not withstand the flood of love and sadness. Drenched and dread. i know what is the rational thing to do, but i cannot.

i keep saying it is not about what happened but about how to mitigate the problem and move forward. but how can i ignore the past and of what happened. it stands right in the way of the only path to save this once beautiful tale. i smash my head, and in moments of clear mind i try my hardest to save it. but as soon as emtion knows on the gate, a little mortal like me has no chance to be completely run over and to lose yet again in the eternal sadness and rage.

however hard you try, you may not get it. and even if you get it, the damage has been done and the bond will never be the same. if you take a step back, it is a bright new world out there. this will be the only rational thing to do, but i can't. i cannot even explain why.

love is not a switch that can be turned on or off at will. but you did. and i dont know how you did it. i want desperately to switch it off so that rationality may again reign over emotion. but how? i can't find that switch. i can't put my finger on it. and i dont have the strength to pull the trigger!

why? why is this all happening? buddha, is this some kind of a test? how can you be so cruel? All my life i try to be good, and yet you stampede my good will without any mercy. life is unfair, but i had always believed if you kept trying, it would all be for the better. but no, you still let this happen, for which i must hate. i am born vindictive. i must hate. and this will not be the end...