3 months in china

i've spent almost three months in china so far. it's been quite an experience and i am still not so sure what i think about it. one thing is for sure though, i feel i will need to give it a few more years before i move back permanently. there are a number of good things about this country, but i will come back at a later time to detail them out. the main problem is that i am not mentally settled down. also i thought i uprooted the whole emotional setback with laurie by removing her from my life and memory. well it proves difficult when she is within arms reach and is willing to spend time with me now. i still do not think anything will happen for i simply cannot make her like me the way i like her. oh let me come back to china. i feel i need to free myself from all the desire first, (degree, wild dreams, random things i feel like trying). then i can come back be settled live a content life. also i am happy to be an outsider right now. many disturbing things i see bother me less this way. one day though i will have to face this all and i am sure i will be ready sooner or later.