dreams are powerful

i saw this girl. leslie something from r&i at the shanghai xmas party. it was weird. i swear to god i saw her in my dreams before, wearing exactly the same dress. she was not even that attractive althougn yu ning disagrees with me violently on this point.

it is so strange to see people, places, and things in dreams first then again in real life.
Life is planned out and all encounters are fates. I struggle to break away from the pre-programmed world, but succumb to its ominous power at every realization of how small I am compared to it.

Laurie teaches me lots. One thing is the feeling of pain. Another is to know however hard you try, there are things you just can never get

3 months in china

i've spent almost three months in china so far. it's been quite an experience and i am still not so sure what i think about it. one thing is for sure though, i feel i will need to give it a few more years before i move back permanently. there are a number of good things about this country, but i will come back at a later time to detail them out. the main problem is that i am not mentally settled down. also i thought i uprooted the whole emotional setback with laurie by removing her from my life and memory. well it proves difficult when she is within arms reach and is willing to spend time with me now. i still do not think anything will happen for i simply cannot make her like me the way i like her. oh let me come back to china. i feel i need to free myself from all the desire first, (degree, wild dreams, random things i feel like trying). then i can come back be settled live a content life. also i am happy to be an outsider right now. many disturbing things i see bother me less this way. one day though i will have to face this all and i am sure i will be ready sooner or later.