Fanatics

Paul de Sa gives a concise definition for fanatics: those who double the effort and lose sight of the goal. I might fall victim to my desire of working in China and prove to be a fanatic. But what can you do?

back in dc, only to leave again

For a couple of months, life can be depicted with endless, abysmal disarray. almost from the v end of my outcry, things start to spiral downward until it all gets out of control, until hope is lost and until white flags are flying over my head.

Nothing is more devastating though than the mentally ready myself finds no place, no work, no sympathy in my hometown. I was ready to stay, and was promised very opportunity. But a tiny glitch, a simple frown, a trademark suspicious look was enough to derail my week long effort, ruining vacation, ruining all other plans and ruining my hope to stay.

Back to where dreams all started, homeless. Found shelter at a hotel then Troy and Sandra's house where I will stay until the end of their trip to watch the fall leaves in New England. I sat there the other day and tried to connect dots for the first time in months. And everything just seems so fucked up. Perhaps my luck is running a dry spell, perhaps my mental state really is the core of all my success. And the first moment I step into uncomfortable zone, where my mind loses its footing, life goes down with it.

It is such a simple matter to sum up. You love a girl and she doesn't love you back for whatever reason. And you just cannot get over her. Everyone can tell such a story at some point in his or her life.

You should stop thinking about her. You owe her a grand tour of Shanghai and so you should comply with your promise, after which though all contact should cease and all thoughts of her should go out of the window, drifting high to heaven where I will never set foot. Let me for one last time, torture my soul with the thought of you, before parting it for good. This is final and there shall not be no more compromises!

Here might be how I reached this conclusion. I stay with Troy and Sandra and look at the way they cohabitate, they treat and love each other. All simple matters of life, such as a reminder to each other about taking vitamin pills, cultivate a strong sense of jealousy in me and a vague thought arises from the bottom of my heart that says you can do this too. Having someone you love and would want to take care of. Having her love you back and treat you fair. You can do this too! The first step though is to cut yourself out of the web of conflicted and interwoven ideas and unrealistic unpragmatic hopes. Let them lie low and embark on life with all your energy.

After all life is not a simple matter and you cannot play with one arm tied to your back.

Oh, I found out my personality is eNFp.