Outcry at the last breath

Braveheart ended with an eternal outcry of "Freedom" that echoes in every viewer's heart. My outcry at the last breadth resonates with little hope for the future, dying love buried deep in my heart and everlasting darkness in the tunnel with the evaporation of the mirage of oasis at the other end.

Crafted this email, very late on 8/25. Physical exhaustion agitates only the mind to an active domain that longs for understanding and reciprocal love. pinned down and carved in wood are the final words of this episode of desire and pursuit: Love me back or break my heart. For anything in between will only make me suffer.

Babbling goes on and on. Writing shall be saved in this space until the dawn falls on earth again, until I lick clean the wound.

Laurie,

Congrats for your last day at work and for not having someone to boss you
around for another year!

I meant to tell you something that I hate to put in an email - would much
prefer to tell you in person, but
don't seem to have the chance before you leave.

I have grown fond of you. I have enjoyed every moment spent
with you, and every time I am out having fun, I think of you, wish you
could be there with me. But the cold
reality is that about every 10 times I ask you out, I get 9 rejections

I am not used to taking no as an answer and have continued to try. But in
retrospect, perhaps I should have
reacted differently. That will at least make my life a little easier. But
your laugh, your sensitivity and your beautiful
face. How could I easily put you behind? Every woman I go out with, I
cannot help comparing them to you. To be
honest, there are sometimes strong physical attractions, but I simply
cannot find the same emotions I feel when around you.

I care about you very much and always try to convince you that I can make
you happy. Try to show you I'm different
from those guys that just want to bring women home. But you wouldn't
believe how much stress this has caused me, for
when I look at you, I do want to hold your hand, want to wrap my arms
around you, want to kiss you.

A sense of sadness swirls around me and intensifies as your departure gets
closer and closer. Secretly though, I also feel relieved -
at least now I can focus on getting over you and get back with life. Will
I be successful? You will see soon if I track you
down in China. Be fair to me if that happens: love me back or break my
heart. For anything in between will only make me suffer.

Suffer, yes. for any sign of hope is enough to keep me trying, and the
harder I try, the harder life becomes. Still remember that
one morning I ran into you on the way to work, then the 2nd day, I took a
project in DC, thinking now i could be closer to you. Then
when I decided against going to Kuala Lumpur, one of the important factors
was to stay close to you until you move away. But to
borrow a cheesy Chinese saying, the longest distance in the world is not
the distance between the north pole and the south pole,
it is when I am next to you, but you don't know I like you.

Why am I telling you this now? I searched for a reason, and thought about
an ask, e.g. give me a chance when you come back etc.
But the truth is that I've always wanted to tell, and it feels like a rock
on my chest that I have to unload. For once, I need to do this
for myself, not to worry about your reactions. Deprivation of sleep makes
me ultrasensitive, and all my guards are down. Show you,
show you my true feelings.

Now you go away, with my pray. Hope you will enjoy everyday. It will be
an exciting year with boundless opportunities. Take good
care of yourself. And always remember: when life gets too difficult, I am
always there to help. And however difficult it is, I never say no to you.

Love,
Shen

And here is her response. warm and caring, but no sign, no sign of what I longed for - a strand of love that is so thin that it cannot hang a needle, but strong enough to make me survive

Shen,

Thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough to tell me all of this. I
don't have enough time right now to give you a heartfelt response, but I do
want you to know how thankful I am that you told me all of this.

I think you are absolutely wonderful, and I really do value your friendship
and never meant to turn you away. It just so happens that I have been
incredibly dedicated to freelancing lately and have been trying to push
myself forward in every way possible.

I never meant to appear as though I'm rejecting you.

My situation toward relationships is a bit complicated, and I'll be happy
to share it with you when I have a little more time.

Again, thanks for being so honest.
Laurie