a little scared

Don't know why i'm so bent out of shape this time. suffer from insomnia, bought first pack of cigarettes and a sense of sadness just lingers on.

I'm a little scared as I never lost control of my emotions like this time. Exposed a multitude of grief, self-pity, and on top of all this, vulnerability. Feelings are fragile like paper boats in the water, like last candle in the wind. I thought I could override all this, be over and above all the little petty games, but in the end I am just an average asian man.

The door is left ajar and opportunity does lie ahead. But I am just scared. I do not like the myself where feelings go in every direction, where I become unsure of things, where the insomniac nights disrupt the already tense and demanding days.

Outcry at the last breath

Braveheart ended with an eternal outcry of "Freedom" that echoes in every viewer's heart. My outcry at the last breadth resonates with little hope for the future, dying love buried deep in my heart and everlasting darkness in the tunnel with the evaporation of the mirage of oasis at the other end.

Crafted this email, very late on 8/25. Physical exhaustion agitates only the mind to an active domain that longs for understanding and reciprocal love. pinned down and carved in wood are the final words of this episode of desire and pursuit: Love me back or break my heart. For anything in between will only make me suffer.

Babbling goes on and on. Writing shall be saved in this space until the dawn falls on earth again, until I lick clean the wound.

Laurie,

Congrats for your last day at work and for not having someone to boss you
around for another year!

I meant to tell you something that I hate to put in an email - would much
prefer to tell you in person, but
don't seem to have the chance before you leave.

I have grown fond of you. I have enjoyed every moment spent
with you, and every time I am out having fun, I think of you, wish you
could be there with me. But the cold
reality is that about every 10 times I ask you out, I get 9 rejections

I am not used to taking no as an answer and have continued to try. But in
retrospect, perhaps I should have
reacted differently. That will at least make my life a little easier. But
your laugh, your sensitivity and your beautiful
face. How could I easily put you behind? Every woman I go out with, I
cannot help comparing them to you. To be
honest, there are sometimes strong physical attractions, but I simply
cannot find the same emotions I feel when around you.

I care about you very much and always try to convince you that I can make
you happy. Try to show you I'm different
from those guys that just want to bring women home. But you wouldn't
believe how much stress this has caused me, for
when I look at you, I do want to hold your hand, want to wrap my arms
around you, want to kiss you.

A sense of sadness swirls around me and intensifies as your departure gets
closer and closer. Secretly though, I also feel relieved -
at least now I can focus on getting over you and get back with life. Will
I be successful? You will see soon if I track you
down in China. Be fair to me if that happens: love me back or break my
heart. For anything in between will only make me suffer.

Suffer, yes. for any sign of hope is enough to keep me trying, and the
harder I try, the harder life becomes. Still remember that
one morning I ran into you on the way to work, then the 2nd day, I took a
project in DC, thinking now i could be closer to you. Then
when I decided against going to Kuala Lumpur, one of the important factors
was to stay close to you until you move away. But to
borrow a cheesy Chinese saying, the longest distance in the world is not
the distance between the north pole and the south pole,
it is when I am next to you, but you don't know I like you.

Why am I telling you this now? I searched for a reason, and thought about
an ask, e.g. give me a chance when you come back etc.
But the truth is that I've always wanted to tell, and it feels like a rock
on my chest that I have to unload. For once, I need to do this
for myself, not to worry about your reactions. Deprivation of sleep makes
me ultrasensitive, and all my guards are down. Show you,
show you my true feelings.

Now you go away, with my pray. Hope you will enjoy everyday. It will be
an exciting year with boundless opportunities. Take good
care of yourself. And always remember: when life gets too difficult, I am
always there to help. And however difficult it is, I never say no to you.

Love,
Shen

And here is her response. warm and caring, but no sign, no sign of what I longed for - a strand of love that is so thin that it cannot hang a needle, but strong enough to make me survive

Shen,

Thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough to tell me all of this. I
don't have enough time right now to give you a heartfelt response, but I do
want you to know how thankful I am that you told me all of this.

I think you are absolutely wonderful, and I really do value your friendship
and never meant to turn you away. It just so happens that I have been
incredibly dedicated to freelancing lately and have been trying to push
myself forward in every way possible.

I never meant to appear as though I'm rejecting you.

My situation toward relationships is a bit complicated, and I'll be happy
to share it with you when I have a little more time.

Again, thanks for being so honest.
Laurie

an old photo

many old photos bring back good memories, like this one..

A strange sense of reality

So a number of things happened over the weekend. In fact, nothing happened at all. Just I started to learn about a number of things that took place recently and life is beginning to spin out of control as my world is turning upside down. This is still an exaggeration. Life is cruising the way it always has been, but new perspective has been brought to the center stage, and a labyrinth of relationships need to be sorted out.

First, it begins with Meena's finding another man, a Spaniard. She tries to break up with Paul, then Paul goes away, then Meena moves away, then she finds an internship at the World Bank. She moves back to DC, but still visits Paul every weekend. While I thought they were back and forth, having one of those nasty breakups, I was proven completely wrong. Meena meets this Spanish guy, falls in love and moves in with him. Perhaps she has mentally broken up with Paul, perhaps she was never too attached to Paul, perhaps the most attractive, and seductive beauty is not a stable relationship, but a sudden surge of emotions, blossoming into intimate touches and whispers. Meena did not strike me as one girl who'd be capable of doing this. But perhaps this has nothing to do with Meena. It is just what women are like - they are creatures of love.

Looking back though, all the Virgo girls I find myself infatuated with do not seem to suit this categorization. Especially lately, I find myself thinking hard, hating mundane life. Oh dear, do I fall victim to the season, to the love in the air? It is like a stone on my chest I need to rid of. Virgos, Virgos, why can't you just let go of all your sober thoughts, your fear for breaking social conventions, but let feelings lead your fate, let emotions flow? Perhaps I am here creating a world that does not even exist. I need to tell, tell you, not anyone else.

Second, Lindsey is said to be going out with Patrick again. I have not the faintest clue what happened between them last time. Nor do I care what is really going on. I have been saying this all weekend - why can't life by simpler? all these complicated relationships. All these intricate moves.

no subject

been busy with many meaningless chores. Life shall be different.

Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel